just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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