I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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