My sheets look like a crime scene.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
