Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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