The maid of honor just puked.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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