I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We left the knife in your bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
