thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
