I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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