Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
