Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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