I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
