you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
