That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
