Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Randomize
