Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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