my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
