I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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