found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
