i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
