when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
