I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
