halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
