She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
