I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize