Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
