I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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