Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
