I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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