I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
