i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's the barista slut.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
