he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
