All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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