is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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