Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
