Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
