omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
