i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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