i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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