nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
