Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
