1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
