Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
