guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
