mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
