i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
