the condom got lost in my hair
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
