Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
