you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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