Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
