Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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