So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
