if i can run in heels then i can drive
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
