Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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