Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
