im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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