woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
