I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
