he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I look better un-naked...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
