I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
