dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
