Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
