rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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