We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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