After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
