I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
